


Lincoln's Alone Time

by Blueperson2021



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:34:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24635404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueperson2021/pseuds/Blueperson2021
Summary: Life can be hard in the Loud House, and it's been even harder than usual since Lincoln managed somehow to get a good lock and soundproofing out of their parents. Lori's envy quickly turns to animosity when certain facts are brought to light so she and the other frustrated older girls scheme to end his newfound 'alone time' for good!
Relationships: Lori Loud/Bobby Santiago, Luna Loud/Sam Sharp
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	1. The Discovery

This was getting ridiculous.

Lincoln had been spending hours alone for a week in his newly soundproofed room without explanation. He just went in with barely a word, put his stupid little 'don't intrude' sign on the doorknob and with a lock click he wasn't coming out for the afternoon. Good for him, he got to spend those hours in peace and quiet and not dealing with _nine sisters_ worth of madness.

Today however was the last straw. A Saturday in which rather than letting them go out to the mall and maybe decompress with some retail therapy, their parents had commandeered Vanzilla for the sake of a two day vacation.

Just them of course.

So yeah, another sister on the way. No need to think 'sibling'; Lincoln was clearly the exception that proved the rule, maybe even adopted if you looked too closely at his 'birth story' (did she even remember Mom being pregnant?). Maybe Lynn Sr just wanted a boy for novelty and knew nothing male was coming out of Rita Loud.

Future twerp speculation aside, the present day spawn were rioting again so that plate of nonsense called 'responsibility' had fallen to Lori.

As the eldest she was expected to look out for the assorted twerps and deal with their many SNAFUs in lieu of their parents. Who (to be fair) would otherwise have been overwhelmed by the already weighty responsibility of providing for their massive family.

It still sucked though, it's not like Lori had squeezed them out, or had the atrocious amount of sex required to make so many twerps. Much to her disappointment she was still a virgin, both because of a 'PG rated house' rule imposed by her parents but mainly because of the aforementioned many twerps requiring everyone but the lone boy to share rooms. Thus ensuring that even without her curfew and Bobby's many time draining jobs she would never have the house to herself, or more than a precious few minutes before someone needed her for something and if she didn't show up then goodbye driving privileges _and don't you mouth off to me about it or your phone is next_.

And now that _little Linky_ had somehow persuaded their father to give him the soundproofing and proper lock she had been pining for since puberty (so what if she had one now, she had to buy it herself) all of the madness was back upon her shoulders once more. Leni's endless… Leniness, Luna's enthusiastic music addiction (and possible other addictions as well if the strange smell she gave off when coming from her concerts was any indication). Luan's aggravating puns and increasingly unhinged pranks, Lynn thinking she was the alpha of the house despite multiple Pretzelfications and baguette beatings (she was going to have to look into foods beyond bread...).

The younger sisters were a bit better, Lisa mainly only endangered herself and she could probably clone herself a new body if need be. Lilly could be put to bed or just pawned off to Leni most days ("Like, you're the cutest- wait- not when you do that!").

Lucy would make herself thankfully scarce most days. Or not. It didn't make much of a difference ( _should I feel bad about that? Maybe if she stayed in sight more…_ ).

The twins however were binary stars of shenanigans.

Lola was a budding psychopath who Lana had seen fit to gift with a fully working miniature car to run people over with while escaping with blackmail. Lana on the other hand was just… nasty.

Just disgusting in nearly everything she did. It was a miracle that Vanzilla broke down as much as it did; else the time she spent on the engine would be spent on her weird games involving mud, gross animals/bugs/lizards/whatever and tracking them through the house for her to clean up before a tired parent come home to witness her failure in controlling the Loud sisters.

Of course normally it would be the Loud siblings, and usually Lincoln would be there to either mitigate the madness as a helper/punching bag or make it far worse when one of his plans fell through. But for the last week the boy had been safely hidden away in his closet of a room, making himself scarce no matter the need.

No guiding Leni on how to be a functional human, no helping Luna with lyrics, no- you get the picture.

Now their parents had gone and left her theoretically in charge.

In reality she was stuck there on full time clean up duty, and the house was rapidly approaching the Loud Event Horizon. If she didn't act quickly some nonsense worthy of a cartoon episode would happen and then she'd grounded and more importantly; she'd be lectured on responsibility by two people who'd forgotten Plan B no less than ten times.

It was with that infuriating thought in mind, and sore hands from banging on Lincoln's door that she barged into Luna's room, knocking be damned.

"Dang it Luna I needed help three hours ago and you know you're not supposed to have your door close - LUNA!"

She had marched into Luna's room only to find the half dozing rocker perched on her bunk bed with sound blocking headphones firmly clasped over her ears, lazily looking over some music sheets with red rimmed eyes.

"Oh for-" she groaned. "ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE YOU'RE FRIGGIN HIGH!?"

That seemed to actually get her attention for a moment, her sheer rage breaking through the headphones and drawing Luna's attention to her near psychotic sister.

"Oh, heya Lori," she drawled, pulling her headphones away. "You still on 'twerp wranglin' duty?"

"YES. YES I AM. I've been trying to keep order in this house for the past week on my own, and now that Mom and Dad are off on twerp production-"

"Kinky brah" Luna gave her a lazy grin.

She took a moment to calm herself, _don't kill Luna don't kill Luna you still need her kill her afterwards and paint the house red with her-_. "Look, if we don't pull this house together then Mom and Dad are going to come home to a junkyard, and we're both going to be held accountable since we're the oldest!"

Even Baked Luna didn't question why Leni wouldn't be held accountable. On the other hand Baked Luna also thought that the whole 'house falling apart' thing sounded like Sober Luna's problem.

"Nah mate, sounds like they're doin' fine already." Luna cheerfully rolled over " 'sides we've got tomorrow to put everything back together, you know how it goes; we get into shit, we get out of shit and Lana fixes up the place like it was never broke to begin with."

Lori twitched again. "NO, no that is not what happens; you twerps ruin things by going completely psycho, Lana puts up some chipboard, paints it over _then_ it falls down and Mom and Dad take the repair bill out of my paycheck!"

Luna shrugged, "eh, what'ya gonna do bruv? they've gotta march to their own beat mate, it's all you can really do in this life-"

"THAT'S FRIGGIN STUPID YOU BAKED SKANK, HELP ME OR SO HELP ME I WILL TELL MOM AND DAD ABOUT YOUR 'DESSERTS'!"

Said (now nettled) skank smirked at the hysterical sister and pointedly plopped another baked goodie between her spiteful lips, "That'll get you stuffed too mate, I've takin' em for months an-"

Lori grabbed the bunk ladder with both hands and threw herself up to the upper bunk in a single move, before lunging forward so that the rocker could see how serious she was. "I have been dealing with this shit for a solid week alone because YOU can't be assed to come help, believe me I will take any amount of punishment they give me and _enjoy it_ AS LONG AS IT SCREWS YOU TOO!"

Were she less buzzed this would have left Luna shivering in fear, as it was;

"Geeze fine," she stretched before plopping down past Lori. "Here I was thinkin' you'd get needin a break every now an' then luv."

Lori glared daggers.

"Is it 'cause I didn't sha-"

"Just follow me and do what I say before I pretzel you."

* * *

Alright, even Baked Luna would admit this was a bit _too_ much fun. A distressed Charles was being ridden by Lana, somehow managing not to buckle under the cheering twin as it scampered after a more-visibly-psychotic-than-usual-Lola in her princess car.

Lisa's room/lab door lay in pieces and a strange acidic smell was coming from the room, ominous violet smoke drifting through the gaps between the black and yellow warning tape hastily pasted over the doorway.

The resident genius in question was currently parked on the couch, Lily happily babbling next to her at Blarney on screen. While she had no visible injuries Lisa looked more zoned out than the rocker felt, and probably was considering she had threatened to kill herself if subjected to Lily's favourite program again.

If she listened carefully she could even hear Lucy sighing more than usual from the vents, the little tyke probably wondering if anyone noticed she was gone.

"… Alright mate, I admit this looks pretty bad."

Lori gave snorted.

"… and yeah I shoulda pitched in before now, I just wasn't expectin' things to go ti- tonks up this quick."

"It's not just you, Lincoln's at fault too," growled the eldest sister. "He's supposed to help with this but instead he's in his nice soundproofed _lockable_ room doing whatever he wants while- ARGH!"

Lola quickly backed up from where her princess car had left a quickly darkening welt in Lori's shin, the apology in her throat dying upon seeing Lori's sanity hanging by a thread. Her survival instincts kicked just in time for her to speed out of Lori's claw like fingers and out of sight

"… As I was saying, Lincoln was supposed to be helping us," a quick glare confirmed Luna was still on her black list. "But he's locked himself in his room, all nice and safe while we- oh sorry; you've been busy baking while I do all the work!"

Luna sighed, "sorry Lori, I just thought I could get a bit of privacy for once while Mum and Dad were out and time gets away when you're… 'baking'."

Lori pinched her nose, trying to relieve the eternal headache of being Lori Loud.

It did not work.

Luna gave her a light pat on the back, "luv look, we can go get Lincoln and we'll sort this all out together and it'll all be fixed like it never happened."

"That's not going to work" she growled.

"Why not?"

Lori twisted to face her, shoving her hand away "because I spent the last half an hour hammering on his door to get him! I tried to get Leni to pick the lock but she said she'd tried before and the new lock wouldn't budge; I even tried texting him and got no answer, HE'S IGNORING ME!"

Luna blinked that, _that_ was dumb. One does not ignore Lori Loud, one does not leave her banging on a door for half an hour for your attention.

If one were to ignore a text that was grounds for Pretzelfication and no judge would rule it anything but the victims own fault for being that thick.

Lincoln was many things, including foolish and short-sighted whenever his planning tunnel vision kicked in but he was no where near that stupid.

"I… could he have gone out?" Luna finally dropped her accent.

Just for a moment of course.

"He better not have, everyone knows they have to ask me when I'm in charge," Lori steamed.

"But if you were knocking that hard-"

"Banging Luna, I could have put new nails in with how hard I was hitting."

A giggle briefly through a lull in the background noise.

Lori's eye twitched "LUAN! Get out of your creep closet and come be good for something!"

The grinning Jokester idled out of the room she shared, "Jeeze Lori, no need to- GLLARK!"

Luan found herself face-to-face with the queen of the house in all her glory, suspended a foot in the air by her squirting flower to gaze into her blue depths.

"No. No puns.

Not today.

I know you sit your little box and watch us like some a voyeur and normally knowing that you were still doing that would be grounds for…. _something new._ Clearly the Pretzel isn't working, but today's your lucky day!"

"Is that so?" Luan chuckled nervously as Lori drew her closer to her maddened eyes.

"Oh yes, because today I actually need your pervy cameras for something useful. Lincoln has been ignoring me all morning, and Leni can't get through the new lock. I want to know if the little jerk has gone out or if he's just being more of a brat than usual!"

Luan nearly opened her mouth to contest her cameras being used for anything pervy but her survival instincts promptly beat down her pride in the face of The Pretzelmaker. "S-sure I'll get on- wait I can't!"

The grip on her bowtie audibly tightened, little rivulets of waters squirting like blood from between Lori's fingers.

"No really I can't! Dad made me take out all of my cameras when they fixed up Lincoln's room, the last footage have is from before last Saturday!" She pled.

Lori's stone cold eyes bored into hers for five eternity long seconds then Luan felt herself fall onto her butt, flower crushed but otherwise intact.

Lori's eyes narrowed in thought. "Why?"

"Why what Lori?" Chirped Leni, having returned from wherever a Leni would go on her own.

"Why would-" she considered who she was talking too and with great effort calmed herself. "We're just talking about how Lincoln's been hiding in his room for the last week. Nothing to be worried about."

"Ohh," Leni understood and sadly at that. "I saw that too, it's like; ever since Linky got that new lock he hasn't been helping anymore, I tried to get him to be a model for this totes cute outfit but-"

"What're you guys shouting about?" A groggy Lynn poked her head from her and Lucy's room, the sour athlete having been pre-emptily banned from sportsball of any sort by Lori to prevent her from becoming the kerosene to Lana's fire. Instead she had grumpily shut herself in her room to do whatever else she had in life that wasn't sports, whatever that thing may have been apparently now having been interrupted by the commotion outside of her door.

"Linky's been hiding away from everybody and we're worried about him!" Declared Leni. "Like I guess Linky is growing up, but I still miss him," sighed the ditz.

"What part of ignoring his family is part of growing up?" Growled Lori, before snapping back at the deadpan expression on everyone but Leni. "Shut up! I didn't get to block everyone else out, and neither did any of you, so why let him?"

"Ohh, I remember!" Chirped the sweetheart sister. "I like asked Dad when I tried picking the lock in case Linky had fallen asleep and he said that growing boys have needs that girls don't, and that we would be happier not knowing!"

…..

It took a moment for it to happen, but as a lemming falls from a cliff it was inevitable.

Comprehension sucked the sound from the hallway. Four minds turned the words over and over again, all coming to the same conclusion. Luna's brownie buzz rapidly faded, Luan's smile turned upside down, Lynn's conclusion birthed salty rage that burned away the cobwebs from her mind.

Lori's last thread of sanity frayed upon comprehension.

" _WHAT!?"_ Lori growled

A thousand visions of every ruined orgasm, of trying to squeeze out some alone time from her schedule only for familial obligations to strip it away. Her mind swam as the humiliation of having been caught by Leni, then having to explain to Mom and Dad why Leni was asking about her special button resurfaced.

The many would be first times with Bobby being interrupted, each one worked up to and hard earned, beginning with having to explain to the dense boy that she didn't want to wait for marriage and all the clumsy attempts at seduction that came afterwards from both sides only to fall flatter than Luna.

Said sister was better _and_ worse of for having managed to relieve herself of her 'purity' through many sessions with her girlfriend and her considerably quieter house. But now having eaten the forbidden fruit (giggity) she felt the absence of companionship like a burn, she couldn't spend weeks without it anymore and the lack of Sam's sweet affection was akin to withdrawal, to the point where she had tried to sneak her in a month ago despite the risk.

Of course they were caught right after the pants came off and after much shouting, embarrassment and disappointment she had been grounded, Sam was at first banned from the house but under the impression that this was a 'first offense' was eventually allowed to visit so long as the door was open and hands were kept chaste. Sadly Sam's parents were notified, and now the same rule applied in Sam's house as well, and with no scheduled concerts to escape to they hadn't been able to enjoy each other's company beyond increasingly frustrated glances, Sam was even starting to look frazzled for the first time since she had known her.

And Lori wondered why she liked her 'herbs' so much, gotta get that fix somewhere and holding hands at school wasn't going to cut it. A brownie now and then was a bit easier to sneak in than a Sam but still wasn't scratching the itch.

Luan… Luan was just thirsty. She had friends and even a boyfriend, but when walls were thin and you shared a room with a salty Luna still bitter about not being allowed to have Sam for fun times you don't get many chances to indulge yourself. The closest she got was her little nest in their closet with her funny videos.

Even if she wanted to 'have fun' in there the walls were far too thin to sneak something R rated in, as shown by how easily Lori heard the giggle from earlier. All that she could really do when 'the mood' came on her was wallow in frustration.

It was just unfair, she already had the chest and stomach pain, braces and insecurity that came with puberty, why couldn't she get the squishy fun stuff as well?

Lynn had long since come to appreciate the value of mixed-gender sports for more than the challenge, the sweaty muscles of the opposing team boys and their faces as she beat them (puberty be damned) were precious gems for her self polishing (puberty be blessed). Likewise she valued the locker room cubicals for more than punishing a toilet, but the fact that she shared a room with a prepubescent had meant more awkward conversions about boundaries than she ever wanted (such as in; at all). Now apparently Lincoln had not only skipped that conversation, but Dad was giving him a free pass to enjoy himself.

Each of them had been frustrated by their parents rules against 'alone time', and more importantly it's distressingly effective enforcement. Every one of them had suffered from sharing a room, from not having enough time to themselves; it was the perfect anti-schlicking method. If you can't have alone time you can't go solo and so far only Luna and her increasingly frequent concerts had allowed her to escape the clutches of childhood.

Of course not one of them had considered the suicide of trying to use the bathroom for such a purpose after the last incident. Besides, even Lori would have been drawn and quartered for squandering precious minutes for something mundane

Desecrating the place for the rest would have warranted something _creative_. Luna had blessed in a way that their parent's punishment had been deemed sufficient.

Leni of course hummed in the happy incomprehension only she was blessed with. "Hey what kind of needs do you think he meant? I mean-"

"Leni?" Lori quietly asked.

"Yes Lori?"

"Please go and make lunch."

Leni put a finger to her lips and frowned "but I thought it was Luan's tu-"

"Luan can take dinner with me, I'll give you extra dessert tonight. Everyone else, we're having a mini-meeting in Lynn's room."

"Umm," a quick look around showed no opposition from the girls, who were looking a bit scary right now anyway. "Okay, should I call the others and would you like some smoothies as well 'cause you totes look like you-"

"No to calling the others, yes please for the smoothies Leni, and take your time to do it all properly," Lori put her hand on her shoulder reassuringly. "Go downstairs and show us your best like always."

Len's eyes became watery in happiness as she clutches her hands to her chest, "aww you're so sweet Lori, I'll make you Strawberry with Guava! Tata girls!"

And with that innocence departed down the stairs, leaving only adolescence frustrated with the depths of unfulfillment to trek into Lynn's room. They arranged themselves into a diamond formation with Lori pointedly leaning on the door and Lynn blocking the vent so that whatever purity Lucy retained would not be dashed.

"I think we all understand what's going on here, don't we girls?" Lori's voice could have cut diamonds.

"Yeah, pops' bein' a right hypocrite wi' Lincoln," Luna's accent had shifted to something more loutish under the pressure of her salt, the others didn't respond but their stoney gazes confirmed their feelings.

It took only a moment for the silence to crack and all at once:

"WHAT'S THIS SHIT!? LINCLON GETS TO FUCK HIMSELF BECAUSE HE'S A BOY!?"

"Well I guess he's getting a head start, geddit!? Seriously though this is really gross and-"

"I have to sneak to Sam's just for a quickie and he gets all the alone time he wants because he's got a dong? Uncool Popstar, uncool."

"I've been trying to get soundproofing for my closet for ages and they wouldn't let me even when Luna jammed for hours! 'You're too irresponsible Luan' 'maybe if you stop recording everyone Luan' and then they just give Lincoln not just the only private room in the house but a lock and soundproofing too?"

"HE'S A BITCH! I'M MORE OF A BOY THAN HE IS!"

"I'm not even allowed to have my door closed if I'm alone!"

"- Oh sweet Houdini he's just metres away when he's doing it too!"

"That's because you snuck Sam in for-"

"Okay point made, but what's Lincoln's excuse, everyone else has to keep under M rating so why doesn't he?" Luna griped, happy buzz now thoroughly purged.

"Shut up girls!" Lori groaned, "I'm angry too, this is literally unfair that Lincoln gets to… ughh" the thought of her brother 'enjoying himself' drew bile to her throat. "But screaming isn't going to help, and if the little twerps ask Mom and Dad about Lincoln 'touching himself' and realise they heard it from us we're all toast."

They collectively shuddered at the vision of a scowling set of parents with Lily in their arms, their gazes accusing them as Lily uttered "fap-fap!" in her usual happy tone.

"Inside voices, got it" muttered Lynn. "But it's so gross, and _not_ in good way."

"Yeah, yeah it really is." Lori tried to relieve her twerp-induced migraine, but it wasn't working no matter how much pressure she applied to her temples. It was probably because Lincoln was only metres away doing hopefully nothing with himself.

Hopefully.

And there's the stress spike again, oh what would her day be without it? Of course now it had a new cause along everything else.

All because Lincoln somehow managed to break the cardinal rating system of the house.

Somehow….

"Look, I think we're getting side tracked here," Lori raised her eyes to match the generally grossed out expressions of her sisters. "We're all shocked and literally disgusted by Lincoln, but the reason I was out earlier was because he's been locking himself in his room. We've guessed why now, but the more important thing is _how_."

The other girls shared looks of incomprehension.

"With his hand I guess," Lynn suggested awkwardly.

"NOT HOW HE'S MASTRUBATING!" Her voice cracked as she broke her rule. "Sorry, not _that_. How he's locked himself in his room when no one else is able to."

"Well no one else gets a room to themselves." Pointed out Luna. "All the girls have ta share, 'course he gets less space than anyone else to be fair."

"But that's the thing, you've literally been asking for soundproofing for years so you could play as loud as you want. I was asking for a better lock for years, and I had to beg to be allowed to install my own, and only then after giving Mom and Dad the code anyway." Her eyes narrowed, "Lynn, didn't you try and get a good lock too?"

"Yeah, I wanted some privacy once I started growing-"

"Hair in funny places?" Luan interrupted with childish glee.

"Shut it Harambe. Tits. I was going to say tits, yes they're there I just don't like them flopping around when I'm playing sports, and I'm always playing sports so I'm always wearing a sports bra." She groused. "Anyway I didn't want anyone, _especially_ Lincoln to get an eyeful by accident so asked for a lock that worked right."

"And what did they say?" Lori queried.

" 'Just change in the bathroom like everyone else'. I mean it seemed fair at the time," she scowled. "Now not so much."

"I've been trying to get some better security on my closet for a while," admitted Luan, a bit sore from the gorilla comparison. "But Mom insists that I shouldn't need it if I'm 'not doing anything wrong with my cameras'."

"Don't wanna' get off topic, but that one's kinda fair Brah."

Lori cut off the impending argument with a hand. "Okay girls, ignoring the Creep Closet for a sec; what do those stories all have in common?"

Luna began "I wanted a bit'a privacy-"

Lynn continued "But Mom and dad said no-"

"To make sure we we're doing anything weird!" Luan finished.

"Exactly!" Lori folded her arms in a thinking pose, "whenever one of us wanted 'alone time' Mom and Dad stopped us. Whenver one of us wanted some privacy for _anything_ they stopped us; so why was Lincoln able to get both a good lock and soundproofing so easily? He's pulled plenty of stunts before, and even if Dad was on board with it I don't think Mom would go along with something like this."

"I asked Mom and Pops about it on Tuesday," asserted the Rocker. "Mom said it was 'cause we keep on bargin' in whenever we feel like and something about him not being able to concentrate on his homework." Luna scowled, "and after she got on _my case_ for-"

"We've already gone over 'the incident' no one-"

"NOT THAT" Luna's frustration peaked for a moment. "Before that, when I was just starting… you know-

" 'avin' a wank?" Luan teased in a rough approximation of Luna's usual accent.

Luna glared back "You know what; yes. When I started wankin' I used to really get into it, then Mom came along and said;

'look here young lady, this is a PG rated house; your siblings don't do that here, your father doesn't do that here and _I_ certainly don't do that here. Goodness knows we're all cramped in this house and none of us want to be near anything like that so keep your fingers decent or so help me I will fetch the chastity belt!'

Nah, nah, don't laugh Luan that thing's fuckin' real-"

"Language Luna!"

"Really Lori? After Lynn earlier? When we're talkin' about thi- fine. That thing is _literally_ real; she showed it to me the next time she caught me and let me tell you, nothing dries you up like that mess of metal and leather!" Luna and Lori shuddered in shared trauma.

Lynn squinted, ignoring Lori for a moment, "hey, so I know the belt thing is weird even for our house, but letting that slide for a moment; do you guys think that Mom would really be okay with different treatment for Lincoln? I mean; she's always been fair with this kind of stuff as I know."

That gave the room pause. Of course Lincoln himself might disagree about the fairness of their punishments (especially in proportion to their antics), but he would have been outvoted ten to one anyway.

"No. No, Mom would literally never go along with that" Lori affirmed.

"So the stuff about Lincoln havin' homework and needin' privacy was probably stuff that Pops and Link sold her for the door and soundproofing" deduced Luna.

"She probably doesn't even know _what_ he's doing in there!" Concluded the once more grinning prankster.

"But if she did, she'd probably put _him_ in the chastity belt! And that'd be _after_ taking back the lock and soundproofing!" Lynn punched into her own palm in victory. "All we've gotta do is tell her!"

Lori grinned for a moment, her 'volunteer' deputy would be back in action soon, and under the worst lock and key imaginable for having left her out to dry. But her smirk melted away as her reason kicked in.

"Maybe, but I don't think that would work." Lori began pacing as she thought aloud. "Lincoln and Dad probably did a good job in convincing her it was just for school and privacy. If we want to get Lincoln to stop… _that_ ; first we have to make sure that Mom knows for sure that he's doing it in the first place, and for that we need literal proof to make sure those two can't talk their way out of it!"

"So, we're gonna have to catch him in the act?" Lynn gagged, "urghh, that's nasty even for me."

"Same here, maybe just let this one slide. I don't think winnin' this one is worth the memories." Luna shuddered at the thought. " 'sides, how would we prove it?"

"Woman up you two!" Lori snapped, "it's this or live with the little jerk… you know…"

"Jerkin his jerk! Geddit?"

"Yes Luan, _that,_ within spitting distance until we move out; is that really what you want?"

The more reluctant two had to admit; that was _not_ an appealing thought.

"Okay, you've got me, but you still need a way to prove this else we're gettin' therapy for nothin' " griped Luna.

"Yeah, I'm not putting any of that in my brain without some payoff!"

"Leave _that_ to me" chirped Luan, producing a camera from an undisclosed location. "I always have one of these babies on hand just in case something funny happens, and I bet that we're about to have a lot of laughs at Lincoln's expense!"

Lori smirked, "oh yes, yes we are. But before that we need a game plan."

And with that the sisters four huddled and plotted…


	2. Luna's Jam Sesh!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: For legal purposes Luna, Sam and anyone else directly depicted as having sexual relations through any part of this fanfiction are of the legal age of consent in your jurisdiction. Simply imagine this is an AU with that sole distinction from the usual show.

Sam Sharp was a cool, calm, outdoorsy girl with an awesome name and a nigh unflappable demeanour. When she fell down from her first indoor climb and broke her nose, she didn't cry (much); she walked on over to mom for a tissue and tried to get back on. When she found herself liking girls as much as boys, she didn't angst or let the new, wary looks from the girls in the locker room get to her. When her favourite guitar got a nasty crack because Simon played with it and it couldn't be fixed, she didn't try to strangle the little shit with the guitar strings in vengeance, but talked to her Mom and Dad to have him cover the replacement costs.

She would strangle him if he did it again though.

But today Sam Sharp was feeling a bit less collected than usual; and _unlike_ usual it wasn't only because she'd gotten used to _good_ sex only to have it cut off completely for the past month. No, Sam Sharp was being flapped because she was in her girlfriend's room (with her older sister of course, no hanky panky allowed for Sammy) and was feeling the full force of a 'Loud Episode' (as Luna called it) in motion.

Or preparation.

Whatever, still very flapped. Oh wait had Luna kept talking after she zoned out from sheer WTF? In her defence, what kind of people kept chastity belts on hand? Well there were a few kinds of people but the Loud Parents didn't seem like it, sure the walls were thin and everyone had to share rooms (except for her kid brother apparently) but the sock system worked well enough for just anyone else, was the chance of a younger brother/sister wandering into an early education really that high?

Well yeah, probably, the house was packed like sardines and everything was shared whether the theoretical owner wished it or not- okay time to pay attention Sam Luna seems to be coming to a conclusion.

"This is a stupid plan." Lori looked upon Luna. Apparently the full details weren't disclosed to the eldest sister before Luna had invited Sam over.

"This is a _great_ plan sis" countered the grinning rocker. "And it's totally gonna work!"

"Sure it is babe" chirped Sam, lounging in Luna's beanbag with a casual grace that belied her inner… disbelief? Frustration?. "… What plan is this again? I kind of noped for a sec out after hearing 'chastity belt' ."

"One where we get to rock out and get some at the same time!" Luna's hands became clawlike for a moment, her eyes bugging with a frustrated lust that would have disturbed Sam had she not shared her sentiments.

But even so she wasn't far gone enough to suggest that in front of Lori Loud however. _She's right there Lunes! I don't want to have 'the talk' with Pops again!_

Thus she promptly played dumb. "…Some tunes?"

_Nailed it._

Lori stared her down with dead eyes. "Some groping."

Sam froze with an awkward smile. _Did not nail it…_

_Lunes what have you don-_

"Some sex." The older girl continued. "Some 'sugar'.

Some _thing_ I don't get to have."

"You know you could probably call Bobby over right?" Luna glanced at her disturbingly calm sister. "We have the whole weekend to ourselves and even if this fails, your plan will only take a few hours anyway, heck you could have done it ages ago!"

"No. No I couldn't." The blonde sighed. "Even if 'her highness' doesn't blackmail me to Cuba or something Bobby is… is…

ALWAYS!

FUCKING!

WORKING!" Her sanity snapped again to reveal the inner psychosis born of years of responsibility dumped upon her from her parents without the rewards of adulthood. Hands twisted into shaking fists and she bore over Luna like she had pinched her phone.

"Jeez, calm down…" Luna raised her hands in open placation, she needed Lori sane and only moderately salty, not snapped and spiteful. "We're all in this together remember; we're going to make things fair again-"

"By letting you have what I can't." Lori returned to her dangerously even tone, contrasting as she gripped Luna's shoulders. "Because you think we don't see what you're trying! Well I do; that's why _I'm_ going to be there and making sure that you don't go overboard and I have to explain to Mom and Dad why Lincoln needs therapy!"

Luna grinned awkwardly and looked to Sam for help, Sam being a good girlfriend knew not to get involved in family matters and respected their way of doing things.

She did mouth 'I'm sorry' though.

"L-look, I'm not _just_ trying to get some remember?" she soothed her older sister. "We're trying to make things fair 'cause Dad went double standards on us alright? We're all. In this. Together."

Lori looked deep into her eyes for signs of manipulation; and found plenty along with fear and frustration, but also sincerity. Her own pair softened and her hands relaxed before releasing the rocker with a sigh.

"Sorry Luna, I'm just… so sick of…"

"Being a virgin?" Luna asked, entirely sincerely. As the words left her mouth she knew that was the exact wrong thing to say and Sam's gasp reminded her that her girlfriend had not disappeared when Lori went borderline.

Lori's goodwill instantly vanished as a glance to the corner confirmed her most frustrating secret was now known to a stranger. She glared down at Luna and visions of different twisting breads flashed though two minds.

"I'm saying anything to anyone!" Blurted Sam, wishing to keep her girlfriend from a gristly fate. "Cherry or not; it's no one's business but your-"

"Just explain the plan properly." Lori snapped, not looking at the shrinking rocker.

At least they could share a talent for digging themselves deeper. _Good for them_.

Luna grasped this lifeline and quickly explained; "right; so my Dad is being a right hypocrite with Lincoln, givin' him all kinds of special treatment so he can 'enjoy himself'- unlike us girls. For the past week he's been holed up in his room and not helpin' like he's supposed to either, so me and the girls are going to get some proof of what he's been doing to show Mom. Then she'll get him out of there and maybe make things fair!"

"Okay, got that part; what's the plan and where do I come in?" _And when does the 'get some' part cum in? Heh heh…_

_Oh sweet Swagger I'm dry enough for that to be funny._

Luna smiled and grabbed her guitar, and handed her a second one Sam had played before. "It's gonna be easy. You and I are gonna have a jam sesh and then a jam sesh."

Sam liked this plan. "I like this plan. I don't see how it fixes your problem but I still like it."

Lori glowered at them both. "What Luna forgot to say is that Lincoln will be playing along you, at least for the first part as bassist or whatever. And; I'll be there too to make sure that things don't go overboard and Lincoln gets some weird fetish because you two scarred him."

"Yeah you'll be there too," muttered Luna. "Look, first I'm gonna get Linc to join us when he comes down for Lunch. Then for the next bit we'll be playing like we normally do for practice and Lincoln subs for Tabby, sweet and simple tunes. Meanwhile Lynn's going in the vents and puttin' up a camera in his room vent so we can see what happens next.

Then we're going to _somehow_ " she winked and got a blush from the blonde, Luna's accent deepened to absurdity as she went on. " 'Get heated' and let things progress for a bit, nothin' too much but a little touchin' 'ere an' there 'til Lori's sure he's had 'enough' an' takes him outta of the room so she can 'tell us off properly'.

Lincoln'll be so worked up he'll go straight to his 'special place' and probably wank till he needs an IV, and in the meantime we keep goin' till-"

"Until I get back from making sure he gets lost, rather than literally sticking around and peaking through the garage windows or something to watch you two go at it because he's a little perv." Snapped Lori. "And don't think I'll be gone for long, there's literally at least five smaller twerps to traumatise if they get in the garage and catch you two!"

Sam's mouth gaped open for a moment, then shut. Then opened and shut again. In her mind she saw a series of smaller Sams in uniforms rushing around with punchcards for sputtering terminals (damn, maybe she should study a bit more to get some USB's or something…), trying to make everything work.

Unfortunately it seemed all she could do was accept the situation as it was, no amount of processing was going to make this sane.

Sighing for a moment she sank in her beanbag. "So let me get this straight; your plan is for us to play for a bit, then 'play' for a bit for your kid brother; who to be fair is a nice boy, but not nearly nice enough that I wouldn't mind him jackin' it to my boobs, all to make sure he _can't_ jack off in his own room?"

Luna sighed and scratched the back of her head awkwardly, she caught sight of Sam's drained expression and reality sank in for the first time since this all started…

Yeah, this was really weird wasn't it? She'd been caught up in her own frustration, sexual and otherwise, then her anger towards her father, then the excitement of plotting with her sisters and the possibility of seeing Sam intimately for the first time in a month.

But was this really what she wanted? To use Sam to make sure Lincoln suffered like the girls?

No.

But Lincoln _had_ been shutting himself away for a week. He hadn't come out for anything but food and school, barely paying them any attention and honestly it was kind of bumming her out. He'd blown her off enough times now to actually get to her and she knew the others probably felt the same way.

Lincoln probably didn't have some special interest or ability like the girls did, but he was special to them and it hurt not to have him around. If touching himself in a dark room while his sisters needed him to be around was going to be the future, she was going to change it.

The nookie was just the cherry on top of the rationalisation.

"Yeah, I get that it's _really_ weird. But it's nothing we haven't done in clubs or a concert-"

"None of those people knew us Lunes. We wouldn't ever have to see them again, you share a house with Lincoln. Even if you're okay with him seeing you like this I don't know if I am." Sam's hands clenched together. "You said your next two youngest sisters were in on this too right? Lori obviously is; why not let them try this instead?"

"The others either have boyfriends-"

"That some of us can't even see," reminded the sour Lori.

"- or are single. We've only ever seen Lincoln pining over girls, so you're the only option we've got for this plan!"

A million thoughts were winding through Sam's mind. Honestly though; the drought was a killer. She loved spending time with Luna, not just for the sex but for the affection and fun outside it. But ever since they'd gotten caught they'd needed to guard what they said, change how they acted and hide certain feelings even if they were innocent in case someone overheard and assumed they were 'getting ready'. She'd never actually been in the closet, but for the first time in her life she was starting understand what that might be like.

She was pining for intimacy of both kinds, and maybe this would give her a bit. Just a drop of water in the desert, watched over by a diligent guard to make sure that was all she got. But it was something to ease the thrist…

Okay, that was dramatic enough to outshine Luna's Pageant Princess sister but she was a teenager damnit!

She drew her eyes level with Luna's hopeful gaze "… Luna I'm gonna be straight with you. Your plan is gross."

Luna deflated and Lori bitterly smirked, laughing at herself for even considering going along with Luna's blatant thirst-induced stupidity.

"Using me to work up your little bro so hard he chokes the chicken? So you can make a video of it, then show it to your parents so they put him in medieval torture device? Just 'cause you're not allowed to either?

Yeah, you're right; this is really dumb and weird.

If I heard this a month ago I would'a just walked out and waited for you to get your head screwed on straight." Sam's lips trembled as a war was lost within. "But we're not a month ago. A month ago we got caught. A month ago I got to have the worst talk with my parents ever, and we've had no time alone together since."

Luna caught the implication and fought down a grin, "what are you saying Sam?"

Sam dropped her head into her hands, within her mind there was a vision of a little Sam wearing a name tag labelled 'self respect' who looked upon her whole self with disgust before tearing said tag off and pointedly walking off into the sunset. "I'm saying… I'm saying that as long as I don't have to see him doin' it I don't care. As long as you kick him out before clothes come off then I don't care."

Lincoln was surprised for a moment as a high pitched 'squee' brief broke through the necessary cracks in his door's soundproofing, before shaking it off and turning a page in his magazine.

* * *

Said squee came to mind again when he went down for Lunch and Luna's beaming face caught him off guard. Whenever she'd seen him for the past few days she'd seemed hurt (or vaguely detached), and part of him understood that it was because his time in his room meant time away from his sisters.

But another part of him nastily whispered back that he'd felt hurt too when she'd started spending more and more time with her friends in middle school, then her band and then again when even more of their time together had been taken away by dates with Sam. Of course, when he'd mulled it over he understood why; Luna was growing up and away. She had her own life that didn't revolve around Lincoln, as his didn't around her and one day she was going to move away to pursue her dreams so he should make good on the time they had left under one roof.

Besides; Sam was a great person so If anything he should be happy that he had helped her get her special someone.

Of course, now that _he_ was spending more time alone and away from his sisters it seemed like the house was a getting a bit colder towards him. Sure, it was kind of a hard shift, just going straight to and from his room every day; but he had to if he wanted to get things done. There wasn't a day that went by that one or more of the girls didn't barge in demanding his help with something and a growing boy needs his space.

He was just enjoying some peace and quiet for the first time in his life, he'd go and spend time with everyone when the novelty of alone time wore off anyway. There was no need to get cold stares from everyone else; especially from the older five; they should understand needing it better than anyone else!

So Luna suddenly shifting from increasingly sour to suddenly bright put him on edge. Not that he was sad to see her happy of course, it was just unexplained and in the Loud House that usually meant shenanigans incoming.

"Heya Linc!" The happy Luna squirted some syrup over a pile of pancakes.

"Hi Luna," replied he, trying not to let his suspicion leak out as he got the ingredients for his trademark PB+Sauerkraut sandwich from the fridge. "Why'd you make pancakes?"

" 'Cause I could Bruv." Shrugged the happy rocker. "Plus me an' Sam are havin' a jam later on!"

Well that explained the squee and good mood: no need to overthink it-

"You want in?"

"Hunh?" Replied the smart and savvy Lincoln.

"In the jam sesh, it's been a while since we spent time together y'know" Luna smiled, but a bit of hurt leaked through at the end.

"Oh, well…" he still had things to do, maybe just letting her down gently would be okay. "I can't really play as good as you guys and it's more you and Sam's thing anyway-"

"Please Linc?" Her eyes became watery and her lips trembled.

Oh the puppy dog face, that was dirty, dirty enough to be banned if it worked reliably on anyone but him. But unfair tactics aside, if Luna was trying this hard to spend time with him then who was he to refuse?

He missed her too.

"You know what sure, I've been cooped up all week anyway!" He happily started making his sandwich.

"Yeah dood, we noticed, what're you doin' in there anyway?" Luna's voice held no accusation, but the expected answer was clear.

Lincoln fumbled with the spreading knife for a moment and nearly ruined some good peanut butter, _almost_ because a master PB+Sauerkraut maker never makes such a mistake. "Oh nothing much, just some homework that I needed to catch up on."

"Homework?"

"Yep, homework." And now for the Sauerkraut in just the right proportion-

"So you're not goin' solo in there?"

Oh look he was a journeyman again what with that mess of brown and white on his front, a glare at Luna revealed her cheeky grin. His face flushed as red a tomato as he grumpily went wipe off the worst of the ruined sandwich.

"No Luna, I'm not 'going solo' in my room, Mom would have a fit."

"So you're tellin' me that you're going into that nice, soundproof, lockable room; an' you're just nerdin' out in there?" Luna gave him the most disbelieving pair of eyes he'd seen since Mom had confronted Dad over forgetting their anniversary.

They held that locked gaze, Lincoln starting to sweat as Luna carefully cut a pancake into an edible slice, lifted it to her mouth and chewed, all without blinking or looking away.

"Y-yes, that's all I do, that and read comics, and play games and sometimes talk to-"

"That's a real shame Bruv, 'cause you know how I like to 'double dip' ?" She gave a smirk. "I could give you some pointers on where to get some good stuff, y'know, not just whatever dad gave you."

Lincoln spluttered and went redder than ever. Luna's victory grin went platinum, her hunch looked right. Dad used to have all kinds of magazines that she wasn't supposed to know about (just like Mom's 'special' novels), but if Lincoln was getting to that age and Dad wanted to bond it would be just like him to try and 'guide' Lincoln with the most awkward gifts he had.

But while she may have hit gold on that guess, Lincoln's speedy legs snatched the victory ribbon from her fingers as he spluttered out something about cleaning his clothes before vanishing up the stairs. Her hand lanced forward to stop him seconds too late and her 'wait!' died in her throat as she realised it was pointless.

Then she felt Lori's hand on her shoulder, heavy like lead and as irresistible as gravity as it turned her, chair and all around to face her disapproving visage.

"What was that?"

"I was just getting some info," Luna revealed one of Luan's many tape based voice recorders from her skirt pocket. "If he confesses then we won't need to make a video of it!"

"Well if you were trying to trick him into it then you sure could've fooled me," Lori rolled her eyes. "It was literally like watching Leni do algebra; that's how hard you failed."

"We 'scuse me for tryin'," grumpily replied Luna.

"I'm not mad because you tried Luna," Lori pinched her nose in frustration. "I'm _upset_ because this could tip him off and then things would be a million times harder because he started some stupid plan to outwit us!"

"Shh, keep it down Lori or _you'll_ tip him off!" Luna stressed. "Look; I tried, I failed and we've still got a good shot, and even if it doesn't work Lynn, Luan and you still have your turns just in case, we're going to be _fine._ "

Famous last words.

* * *

"So what are we playing today? I heard Mick Swagger came out with a new song." Lincoln grasped the bass's neck firmly as he adjusted the strap to his body. Beside him on both his left and right was a rocker girl, each with a cheap microphone held close by a stand with wires going somewhere into the mess of amps behind them.

"N-nah dude, just getting back in the groove y'know, me an' Sam haven't really had a chance to rock out in while!" Luna grinned nervously.

That made sense, he'd heard about that. No wonder Luna had been weird earlier, she'd even forgotten to tell him when Sam was coming over and it was only because he'd come out to ask her that he'd caught them setting up. A good thing too, Tabby was apparently busy and they wouldn't have had anyone on the bass otherwise!

No one would appreciate the bass until it was gone...

Of course if Luna hadn't gone pervy earlier it wouldn't have been a problem so there was that. But maybe that was just her getting back for a week of being ignored.

Sam on the other hand was another question.

The blonde rocker looked awkward, more than she usually did around him. It was a bit odd but not entirely unexpected since he and Sam usually got along just fine, but just that; fine. Their common point of interest was Luna and outside of that they were basically strangers.

Whenever she came over she would give a friendly wave in the direction of the rolling mass of siblings going about their day and he would usually wave back to be polite before returning to pushing and shoving. If they met up directly though things would get awkward in that way when you met the friend of your friend, which was understandable since they were completely different in everything from age to interests. He didn't even know if she knew about the story behind Luna's letter or the part he and his sisters played in it.

Not that he felt any resentment towards her of course, that would be completely unfair.

Right now though? Sam was doing her best to look anywhere but his direction. Before, whenever Tabby had been unable to attend Luna's garage band, he'd usually end up subbing in on the bass since he could play music well enough to keep the beat. Sam would usually give him a polite nod, thank him with Luna, and rock on.

Not today apparently. Maybe it was something to do with the pair of sapphire lasers boring into her head, emitted from the Queen of No. Lori stood slouched in the corner of the garage undoubtedly waiting for an excuse to engage Operation: ClosedClams ( _does Lori name her operations? Note to self; find out and never let Luna know I came up with that operation name_).

Wait, her majesty was looking at him now.

"What, twerp?"

"Nothing, Lori!" he blurted, that was as sharp a 'twerp' as you got before things went pear-shaped. "I was jus-"

"I have to be here to make sure the 'scissor sisters' here—" A hard glare at Luna silenced her opposition. "—don't try and 'raise the house rating' by putting on some recorded music and-"

"Okay! Okay!" Lincoln felt himself go a bit green at the thought of Luna doing _that._ "But I'm here so- "

"So what, twerp!?" Her tone suddenly became icy. "What makes you think I trust you not to cover for them?"

Lincoln gasped for a moment, more from the look she was giving him than the accusation (if Luna had asked, he probably would have helped if he hadn't melted from embarrassment). She wore an expression of furious contempt, the kind he would expect if he had engineered a permanent breakup between her and Bobby or something worse.

"Yeah; I couldn't think of anything either." She relaxed into general disdain as she looked down to her ever-present phone. "Why didn't you answer my texts earlier?"

Texts?

Oh…

"Sorry, Lori! I was playing games all last night and forgot to charge it," he answered honestly. His phone battery was dead as a door nail and that would explain the nigh murderous look earlier. Lori had probably been trying to contact him for something and he'd been ignoring the Dear Leader.

"Why didn't you use your laptop?"

"Hunh?"

She glared at him from under suspicious eyebrows. "Your laptop, that thing that is literally a hundred times better for games than a phone, or maybe your GameStation? That thing literally made for games?"

 _Stupid Lincoln! You could have just said you forgot to charge your phone; never give Lori more than she needs to know!_ Lori would never understand his reasons, or rather she would and wouldn't care.

"So, little brah, you ready to rock?" Luna grinned as she rescued Lincoln from his self dug grave.

"Y-yeah! Let's play!" What were they playing? Irrelevant as long as Lori-

"Whatever, just don't blow my ears out," her majesty grumbled, apparently having lost interest in Lincoln's phone.

"No promises, sis," Luna winked before looking over to Lincoln, and glanced at the slightly sweaty Sam. "Okay so Sam an' I were talkin' earlier; we'll just do some instrumentals, then we're going to pick an _Elemental Infatuation_ song at random and see where we go from there."

"Sounds good, Luna!"

"Yeah, babe, lets get goin'." Sam smiled, still not glancing at Lincoln.

"Sure thing," Luna indicated the beat that she wanted from Lincoln and grasped her axe. "'Kay, guys, in one, two, one! Two! Three! FOUR!"

And like that they started jamming away.

It wasn't too hard, Lincoln just needed to hold a steady beat while the girls played to their hearts content. Said girls gladly took the chance to do exactly that with Luna expertly dragging tune and rhythm from her axe and switching up every minute or so with her partner tagging matching moments behind.

Sam, meanwhile, was a bit less certain, fumbling a bit with her instrument; clearly she was out of practice. Maybe she had been embarrassed to play in front of her girlfriend and her little brother at less than her best? Whatever the reason she quickly recovered, and when Luna was about to shift again she suddenly took the lead, belting out her own tunes and letting Luna follow as she slyly grinned at her.

The two played this game for a while, Lincoln closing his eyes in concentration to hold the same beat with the girls seemingly trying to outmatch the other on each switch. He even caught Lori's lips twitch a bit as she tapped her foot to the beat, only to stop and glower as she realized her act was compromised.

Sam meanwhile was feeling the beat, a sweet tune flowing from her hands as she looked towards Luna with a mix of competitive spirit and eager anticipation. Luna met her eyes and smirked as the shift occurred.

And as a new tune left her hands the reason for her smugness became clear.

Sam's hands fumbled for a moment before falling into a remembered rhythm, their owner still dazed. Of course, she would remember this instrumental from anywhere, the song was burned into her mind from a day when Sully and Tabby (usually coming from elementary school) had checked out early from their middle school music club and it had just been them.

Luna had come to her with a flushed face and mumbled something about trying a new song; Sam was up for anything anyway. She'd quickly realized exactly why Luna had been nervous as she took centre stage and started singing away.

It wasn't a love song like she'd expected, not the kind she was used to on days that like that when she or Luna would lead the other on some giggly mushy thing that would end in a messy pile anyway.

It was a passionate plea, something about how the singer loved something or someone, no one ever knew which the long dead rocker had pined for. Pure desire and appreciation for that one thing, probably a drug of some kind, and how it made him felt put into words and as Luna sang it she saw herself in her eyes and knew this was their song.

Of course their first time had to follow in that dank, empty classroom and she was sure there was still a stain in the carpet that belonged to them both but she couldn't have been happier of where they had fumbled into oneness.

Now here was Luna with a cheeky grin, just putting out the instrumentals to a song of pure want right in front of her elder sister and kid brother. She wanted to slap her lover and take her in front of Lori, let the old virgin stew and go sob into a teddy with the other kiddies while Lunes sang with their love.

She was already next to Luna, her legs having left her mind to catch up, her hands matching the unsung song while memories brought swelling nipples to press uncomfortably against the fabric of her bra and her swallowed breaths weren't enough to keep her head from spinning.

Oh yeah, Luna wasn't just her girlfriend or bandmate, she was…

The song; an addiction that she hadn't filled. But more than just a good feeling, someone be fun and awkward with and live as one-

Lori arched an eyebrow as the two younger girls started drawing closer to each other, a quick glance to Luna face- oh wow. If Bobby had ever wore Luna's expression she'd have been literally pregnant by now.

But while erotic love might have drawn them together, it quickly drew their hands from their instruments to each others collar and neck. Sam traced her Luna's freckles, intending to draw her in only to find Lunes hand already gently scrunched up in her blonde tresses and gently drawing her into a hungry kiss she couldn't help but surrender to.

Lincoln fumbled himself as the music started falling out of sync, and wondering if he had mis-timed himself opened his eyes to find his sister happily sucking Sam's face off. The blonde's eyes were still open but dewy and unseeing, her legs were trembling like his did after one of Lynn's marathons. His sister's arms had snaked under Sam's for a hug that mashed their chests together and…

Well.

Looks like this was a 'Sam and Luna'-only thing after all.

He wasn't mad (maybe he was a little mad), mostly just disappointed. _If you're going to invite me then don't just forget me!_

At some point his hand had left the bass and it was quiet as Sam and Luna grew ever closer, and honestly it was equally frustrating and… 'uncomfortable'. Sam was a cute girl and seeing her get heated up was doing the same to him even if Luna was the one doing it to her, and he _really_ didn't want anything to do with Sam right now, especially not for that. Honestly, it didn't matter if it was petty or not. This was a bitter reminder of where he was on Luna's priority list now and-

This was stupid. Getting worked up was-

 _Just let it go_. He took off the bass, carefully put it back in the case it came from and left out the side door. On the way out he nodded to Lori who surprised him by following him rather than staying to make sure the two didn't progress to an 'R' rating.

"Hey, twerp."

"Not now, Lori." He was feeling really screwed up right now.

"You're looking pretty red."

"Yeah." His cheeks felt burning hot and he wouldn't be surprised if he looked like a mouldy tomato.

"You should get to the bathroom and splash your face before a line forms."

Lori was being nice to him? He must've looked even more pathetic than he exp-

"And don't try to sneak around to watch them thtough a window, I'm keeping an eye on them _and_ you. You understand, twerp?" She glared down at him with obvious accusation.

He glared back her only to meet her unimpressed and- slightly smug?- expression. It wasn't worth an argument, so up to the house he went before some other sister popped out to ask why he looked like rotting fruit.

* * *

Lynn quickly made her way through the vents, the old fashioned handheld camera slowing the Lynnster to only twice as fast as Lincoln (Do some cardio, nerd! If you really try you might outrun Lisa one day!). A moment ago she'd been peaking around the corner of the stairs as Lincoln went down to Luna's 'band practice'. Luan sat on the lower floor with some orange juice in hand supposedly watching some show, now that Lisa and Lily had departed elsewhere, and gave her a subtle nod to indicate the garage door had been shut.

Go time! Into the nearest vent, camera in hand ready for Operation: Save the Chicken.

Because Lynn Loud Jr. knew how to make a sweet operation name unlike some male relatives.

All of them. It was all of them.

Oop, she was coming up to Lincoln's room now anyway, the grill over the vent showing his bed in the mid day light. Honestly she wasn't looking forwards to landing on the desecrated sheets but a girl has to do what a girl has to do and Lynn Loud didn't choke at the last OR the first quarter.

It was that thought that she shoved the grill aside and dropped down, not thinking of anything but the mission to-

Oh, she was just supposed to set up the camera wasn't she?

She'd just jumped down to where Lincoln had probably spent the last week discovering himself all over tissues and stuff and probably leaking everywhere. She could practically feel the damp patches through her cleats and would have gagged if she wasn't Lynn Loud and had a stomach that could tank a million Scovilles without flinching.

She still got off the bed though; no one was watching so she didn't need to prove anything she didn't already know. She could just… Damn, she needed to get back on to get out again, right? Couldn't she just go out the door?

No, Lincoln had a key he used to lock the thing from the outside. There was a locking latch on the inside but sans key she had no way to lock it from the hall, he would know someone had come through and not… bleurgh.

That. Do that.

Which would have been fine if she didn't need to set the camera up so they could catch him on tape and show it to Mom, she could ground him to space and make sure he couldn't go at it and they wouldn't have to live knowing what he was doing in here.

 _'Course someone's going to have to watch the video to make sure we got him_ she internally gagged.

Mercy be upon the poor soul who drew that short straw. Not Lynn of course, Lynn Loud was a lucky girl who won every contest, who made herself better through hard work and effort and pleasing the gods. Not like those slouches who expected stuff to just come to them, no Lynn Loud makes her own luck!

You know, by respecting the way things had to be. Not like Luan or Lori or especially Luna, who would probably draw the short straw because she'd used up all her good karma canoodling with Sam and thought getting some when her sisters went without was fair.

Then her foot moved and she heard something squelch.

With stoic eyes Lynn Loud Jr. looked down to find that she had landed in Lincoln's laundry hamper.

The oddly squishy hamper.

Come to think of it the room was oddly pristine wasn't it? Not a tissue or sock to be found, just some comics here and there with Lincoln's victory undies poking out from one of his drawers and Bun Bun staring at her with dead but knowing eyes.

A high-pitched squeal emanated from somewhere close to her and she jumped out of the hamper, scattering socks, underwear and other clothes across the room.

"Ew! Ew! Ew!" Quickly she drew the bottom of her cleats across the floor before Lincoln's stinky dick juice could settle into her third luckiest footie shoes. _I knew lending Polly and Margo the others would bite me but they need the boost, I didn't even think I would need them after Lori banned fun for the weekend_!

Of course now she was paying the price, she'd angered the gods she was normally faithful to by approaching this mission with less than her all but still asking all of them! Now she would have nasty shoes until Monday and that was ages away.

Wait a minute.

'Until Monday' included tonight!

Tonight when they would be drawing straws or whatever to decide who would be on jerk watch! What if her bad luck got her the short straw rather than Luna!

It would be a close thing, but even someone as inherently lucky as her could be brought low for upsetting the balance of things. Luna's greedy fingers wouldn't be enough to counter the effect of knowingly upsetting the…vent gods? No that was dumb, robber gods? Cooler but she could do better. Ninja gods! Everyone like ninjas and it sounded better anyway; the ninja gods!

She glared down at the camera, knowing that new it could be her doom, mocked by dirty socks and underwear to remind her of her…

Luck?

No, no Lynn Loud had been faithful for too long to be cast aside like that! This was a test, a test her subconscious had known before the rest of her had. That's why she had jumped down, not because she was trying not to think about Lincoln touching himself, that's why she had landed perfectly in his open laundry hamper when she could have landed anywhere else!

This was a test, an opportunity! The gods were angry with her but not unreasonable, otherwise she would have just set up the camera and left, but instead their firm but just hands had pushed her out of that vent and to her redemption.

See, no one had to watch Lincoln on video, if they already had proof. She'd spent enough time in the locker room to know that teenage boys got their 'stuff' all over their clothes, but especially their underwear and socks because of how they used them.

All she had to do was reach down, find a sticky one and Lisa could analyse it for them. Once the proof was in hand Mom would go ballistic and Lincoln was toast!

Oh; _find a sticky one_ …

Yeah well it wouldn't be a punishment if it was fun now would it?

It was with that thought that Lynn reluctantly knelt down and started sorting through the pubescent boy's clothing. She moved with quick purpose, burying her sadly bare fingers into the pile of scattered clothing and rapidly tossing anything dry or non-suspiciously moist articles back into the again upright hamper.

Much to her surprise, though, she found the room spotless before she found her quarry. There were plenty of 'fluids' and stinky clothes there but nothing she wouldn't attribute to sweat and body odour from a boy still getting used to applying deodorant.

That meant that…he was using tissues.

She cast her eye to where he kept his rubbish bin, neatly near his laptop. The top was closed but surely her victory was in sight.

In sight.

His laptop was in sight.

She knew his password. Heck everyone knew his password from the many times they had to 'borrow' his laptop after someone had theirs taken for some unreasonable infraction. Mr. Grouse kept their stuff anyway so it was unfair for more punishmen-

 _No, brain; eye on the prize_!

She quickly scooted over, the gods had had mercy upon her; all she had to do was get his browser history and she was set! A quick jiggle on the trackpad and she punched in his password to reveal-

"Incorrect password?" she hissed. "He changed it!"

 _Well, duh_ , she wanted to slap herself. Lincoln wasn't that dumb; heck if she was going solo then the first thing she would do was change her password so Lola didn't find something to blackmail her with.

Of course if she couldn't get into his browser history, then…

She look down to the silently mocking bin, knowing that her fate was sealed. If wanted to win the gods' favour again she would have to open the bin and stick her hand in, 'hoping' to find a tissue gunked with goo.

Thankfully her fate was already sealed as she heard a key start to turn the lock. Had she been anyone but Lynn Loud Jr. she would have been toast.

But unlike anyone else; she was Lynn Loud Jr., and it only took a second for her to bounce back onto the bed and scamper back into the vent, drawing it closed just before a slightly damp Lincoln popped in looking a bit steamed.

Alright; so that had all been a bust. The laundry was a no-go, the laptop was protected, but honestly a bit of bad luck might not be so bad compared to having Lincoln's baby juice stain her fingers.

But Lynn Loud still had a mission, and as Lincoln sat down to do whatever nerds do alone (hopefully not 'entertaining himself' while she was there) she quietly set up the camera so that it pointed directly at his bed. The fold out screen on the side was still dark though even as the thing powered on, had she forgotten something?

"Why are you still on?" Lincoln's voice questioned as he saw the bright laptop screen.

 _Shoot, abort! Abort! Target is getting wise_!

Time to get lost before Lincoln started listening for breathing from the vents, but the camera was still dar- oh.

She very nearly facepalmed before quietly pressing 'record' and quickly (but silently because she was Lynn Loud and she could do both) shuffled butt first down the vents.

* * *

Lori sighed in relief as the sole boy of the family wandered on over to his room, his white turkey tail visible through a his round second story window from her place outside the garage. It was earlier than expected, but Lynn only needed to set up the camera.

All things considered, there should be no problems.

Aside from the two girls trying to drink each other beside her. Their locked embrace had long since migrated to the floor, at some point Sam had gained dominance and Luna was trembling as she pawed under Sam's shirt in a feeble attempt get to her breasts. Alas as her fingers snaked around to unhook Sam's bra the brunette rocker's fingers lost their coordination, their owner stupefied as Sam's fingers parted her lower lips to puppet her with a knowing curl.

Just enough to turn her to jelly, not enough to push her over the edge. No, no, Sam likes this game and likes best of all to play her Luna like a violin-

"Alright you two; cut it out," the visibly embarrassed Lori interrupted. "No; seriously he's been gone for literally five minutes, if you don't stop I'm actually going to get the hose."

Luna blearily glared at her as the happy haze ended and a sheepish Sam drew her fingers from under Luna's now visibly damp skirt.

"Ww-hat" _ahh damn can't talk straight, really wanted to keep goin' there you-_ "He could still come back-"

"No, he's in his room. Lynn went to put up the camera when he came in, you're done." And with that the Queen of No pointedly turned to walk away and bitterly glared down at them both. "Sam can go home after she takes a shower, which will both be soon and alone."

They were left there cooling awkwardly, Luna keenly aware that she'd probably need to change into a new set of clothes entirely while the bed-headed Sam suddenly realized that her jeans looked like she'd had an 'accident'.

A giggle came from one of them, and suddenly they were laughing like hyenas.

"Oh-oh wow." Sam gasped and wiped a tear from her eyes. "I can't believe I actually did that!"

" _We_ did that luv," corrected the sweaty Luna. "We did that, together."

"Yeah, together… In front of your baby brother." She should have been horrified but another hysterical bellow ripped from her. "Oh god Lunes, I just- I just- you're an awful influence you know that!"

Luna snorted. "Yeah but anyone could see that."

"Yeah but not 'put on a show for an elementary schooler' awful." She sighed. "I used to be normal, then I met you and your crazy family and this is… Haha!"

She drew her breath back after a moment and suddenly drew Luna to her again, not with the burning heat from before but just affection. "It was worth it though, spending time with you, close and loving."

Luna hummed with appreciation and leaned in. "Keep goin', girl."

"And seeing you just let loose like that, it's all I could ever want" she smirked. "Because I won."

Luna jerked but found herself held by firm arms. "Nah, nah, I was gonna rally an' -"

"You were going to sing for me love and we both know it." She nuzzled into the collar bared by her raggedy edged shirt. "Sorry Lunes; you started strong but-"

"It doesn't matter who won; I lost by having to be here!" the eldest snapped from outside. "Yeah, I'm waiting in the hall so none of the many children we have here get literally traumatized; shame I can't say the same about me!"

Sam sighed and whispered to Luna's ear. "Look, luv, this was nice but I really want to keep going-

"Lori's right the-"

"Yeah, Clamjam Cuck is here." _Ouch_ , she wasn't expecting that to slip out so harsh (or uninspired but she still had sex on the brain). As unfair and inaccurate as that might have been, Sam had just been tantalized and was in no mood for niceties. "Look; I was supposed to watch Simon this weekend 'cause my parents are out on business, but I let him go on a sleepover instead. If you can get out of this…'thing' we can have all of tomorrow for ourselves."

Luna looked towards the doorway. "Y-yeah, sounds great, babe. My bit's done now either way so that should be fine, just gotta get the camera back and we're good!"

* * *

"So, guys; we good?" Luna's good cheer radiated around Lori's room.

The rest could empathize. Before them was the freshly retrieved camera, just an hour before dinner time. Lori had the good sense to get started early anyway, so all she needed to do was dish out everything.

The perfect time to prepare for their victory. They would put someone on 'perv watch' to confirm what went on, then when the victim had their eyes bleached from witnessing the fruits of their labour they could enjoy dinner; maybe mess with the unsuspecting perpetrator and cool off (or heat up in Luna's case) for the rest of the weekend.

Then when Mom and Dad came home they would hand them the camera and 'oh look, Lincoln has betrayed your trust, better get that soundproofing down and ground him like you would any of us'. Lincoln would get to see if the chastity belt would fit both genders and they would have him back to actually living with them once he got over their subjecting him to equal treatment.

It would probably happen at some point.

"Yes, Luna, we're very good," Lori almost purred. "Despite some…unexpected difficulties, everything went well in the end,"

Luna's eyes narrowed. "What difficulties? I know me an' Sam-"

"Oh, no, don't get me started on you two." Lori glared her down. "You two 'got going' far too quickly, Lincoln left in the first five minutes. He'd probably have caught Lynn if I hadn't told him to go cool off in the bathroom." Lori sighed in frustration.

"Wait, that was why I nearly got caught?" Lynn interjected. "Phew, for a moment there I thought I was-"

Lori banged her shoe. "Let's not go on a tangent shall we? We have an agenda and I think we should stick to it."

"Sure thing, Lori." Luan shifted on Leni's bed, the second oldest currently 'watching the little twerps' according to Lori. "But when I saw Lincoln go up there he did go to the bathroom first? What if he…"

" 'Went' in there?" Lynn's eyes narrowed. "Then we get serious."

"I was GOING to say; cooled off in the shower or something. This could all be for nothing," the comedienne countered.

"Now way, bruh, me an' Sam near-" A sharp glare from Lori made Luna reconsider her words. "…We did our part."

"Very good, Luna, now-"

"With enthusiasm." Luna smirked.

Lori glared her down again, but let it go. Tying Luna into new shapes would take them off track. She closed her eyes and focused upon her previous train of thought, then snapped her eyes open to continue.

"Yes, Luna did her part and he was redder than Lynn's jersey. If he's been doing what we think he has there's no way he didn't go and do it again. Plus if he went in the bathroom we'll get him anyway since we all know that someone-" She glared at Luan. "Has cameras everywhere anyway and Mom is pretty firm about the rule applying everywhere in the house."

"But what if it he did do it in there?" asked the abnormally aghast athlete. "Every time we go in there we'll have to think about him- in the same place he- he, oh, wow, it's been a while since I wanted to vomit."

"I know," the eldest sighed. "But if it means equal treatment then it had to be done, and was done at this point anyway since it was literally hours ago. The only thing now is to go through both cameras' tapes and check to see if the jerk…"

" 'Was having a jerk' ?" Luan snickered.

Lori narrowed her eyes and raised her shoe. "I propose that Luan be the one who has to watch the footage for Lincoln 'having a jerk'."

"No- WAIT I'M-"

"Seconded!" Luna and Lynn spoke as one.

"And passed for obvious reasons."

Lori took the camera from her bed and calmly, but firmly pressed it into Luan's hands. "Go watch it in the corner with the audio off so no one else has to suffer."

Luan looked up to her with a trembling lip. "But-"

"You lost. Take it like a woman." She pointed to the corner and Luan sadly skulked off, looking back for a moment to see all six eyes staring her down, and she sadly sat in what would be henceforth known as The Creep Corner.

Lori turned back to the remaining two "Well with that out of the way; we need to talk about the mess the younger girls are leaving the house in. Leni just doesn't-"

"Yeah, no," Lynn interrupted, drawing an expression of blank fury. "Yeah, yeah, no interrupting; but seriously, what if he did do it in the bathroom?"

"Then we stop our current plans, don't bother telling Mom and Dad about his 'alone time', and spend all of today and tomorrow working on a _suitable punishment_."

"…Are we taking a vote on that?"

"No."

"Good."

Luna nodded with silent agreement. The bathroom was sacred.

"Now with the obvious out of the way; as I was saying, Leni isn't up for-"

"Girls, we have a problem!" Luan rushed in with the camera in hand, the side screen folded out to reveal a solid black video.

"What; you forgot to hit start?" Lynn sniggered.

"No beanhead! Watch!" Luan snapped back, she pressed fast forward to no effect save the time counter suddenly skipping forwards.

Lori's mind turned this over and refused to accept reality. "…Did you check the contrast?"

"Yes, I checked the contrast, but the entire video is like this!" She shoved the camera in their hands and pointed the lens at their collective faces, or would have if said lens was not covered. "There's literally (for real Lori) nothing there, someone forgot to take the cap off!"

This time Lynn was the one faced down by six eyes and found herself sweating. Not nervously of course, because Lynn Loud was never phased, but thinking quickly to redirect the fault to it's true source: the thirsty sister!

"Hey, I had to rush out because someone went R rated too quickly!" She pointed at Luna. "If you could have kept your hands on your guitar for a bit longer we would be fine rather than…"

Reality set in for the group.

"We're back to square one aren't we?" Luan asked the obvious with a bitter chuckle. "I guess this was all-"

"If that's a pun I will literally feed you your own braces." There was no animosity, or anger in her voice. Only calm rage.

"-just a bit of a test go right? We still have three goes left, and we can probably keep going next weekend, too, anyway!" Luan attempted to raise the mood.

"Yeah, Bruv, and Lynn's next, right?" Luna glared at the jock. "Got any ideas?"

"Just give me a minute and I'll have us the winning strategy," Lynn replied with a cocky grin.

"So no then?"

"I said give me a minute!" Lynn growled. "Some of us like to make sure we do things right the first time-"

Luna snapped. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO LEFT THE LID ON, YA BINT!"

"YOU COULDN'T KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED-"

"Girls!" Lori raised her shoe and the others quietened. "This is getting us nowhere. What's done is done; we only have until Monday to get this done so let's move on to Lynn's turn. I'm sure that she'll have something ready after dinner, and if not we can workshop it then."

"Why not now?" Luna glared. "I've got an idea or two that might work, if she can fit it in among 'all the rest' she has!"

"Luna, st-"

"No, let's hear it," Lynn snapped back. "If wannabe here wants to take the lead for once-"

"What's that supposed to mean?" the rocker hissed.

Lynn grinned, Luan silently shaking her head in regret for relaying what she had seen through her garage camera. "That you're more used to being played, not doing the 'playing', so I don't see you being much a leader."

For moment Luan thought there was going to a be murder, Lori too as she silently edged back a bit to let nature take it's course.

Then Luna smiled. "Yeah dude, Sam sure has magic fingers, but she ain't the only one. 'Course the real shame here is there ain't anyone who wants to 'play' you the same."

Lynn's mouth dropped from a cocky grin to a gaping hole.

"Yeah; that's what I thought. Now if you're ready to listen: Lincoln went as red as a firetruck when I asked about Dad passin' him dirty mags earlier, they're probably somewhere in his room," Luna informed. "If he's been usin' them then we can probably get Lisa to do a forensic scan for fingerprints and other stuff and Linc'll be toast!

Since Lynn screwed up I propose that she go get them while he's sleeping for her turn."

Lori went to head off the verbal massacre but-

"Seconded." Lori turned to Lynn with an eyebrow arched in surprise. "What, Lynn Loud ain't a bitch. If those mags are in there I'm gonna get them no questions asked!"

"Any opposed?" Lori asked out of habit. Luan just shook her head.

She hesitated for a moment, trying to read the atmosphere between the again smirking Lynn and the calm but…confused Luna? She sighed and tapped her shoe. "Motion passed, good luck, Lynn."

"I believe that is all for now girls, we'll meet up at 11:00 sharp in the garage so Leni can get some sleep- wait Leni and-"

"Wait, Lori, there's something else!" Luna interrupted. "My part's done, right?"

Lori facepalmed. "Yes, Luna, your part is very done."

"Then there's no need for me ta stick around then, right?" Luna reasoned.

Lori drew her hand from her face in suspicion. "Where is this going, Luna?"

Luna shifted awkwardly, then blurted, "Well, the thing is; Sam's parents are out for the weekend-"

"Oh for fuc- _really_ , Luna!" she almost screamed. "After today!"

"But's that the point, me an' Sam have barely had any time together!" Luna pleaded. "Today was the first bit of 'togetherness' we've 'ad in ages, and her brother's on a sleepover so there's no barriers except-"

"Except the Clamjam Cuck right?" Lori stared daggers into her soul. "Yeah; tell Sam she needs to learn what a whisper is. I don't know why you think I would let you go further than I did but-"

"Aww come on, Lori, y'know you'd want it for you and Bobby so why not?" Lynn interrupted. "Besides, she'll just be mopey and miserable if we don't let her go anyway."

It was Lori's turn to gape.

Luna pleaded, "Look, I'm sorry about the name Sam called you, we were just so close to…y'know. But we 'ave a chance ta spend some time together without being interrupted for once. You know how rare this is. Come on, Lori, are you really gonna take this from me?" The rocker clasped her hands together and looked her in the eye.

Not quite the long ineffective puppy dog stare, but something close enough to tug whatever heartstrings hadn't frayed yet.

Lori sighed, was it really so bad that Luna had managed to get something that she hadn't? Did they really need her so badly?

"…Will anyone else's turn need Luna to help?"

Lynn surprised her again. "Nah, just going in the vents and back."

"I'll just need Lynn for mine," affirmed Luan.

"Mine literally only needs me, I was hoping that you would watch the house for the first part, but I don't think it will make a difference anyway." She released the bridge of her nose. "Motion to let Luna go and…go?"

"Seconded," Lynn said again.

"Agreed, have fun 'delving the deep', big sis!" Luan giggled, " since you're going to-"

Loro cut her off before Luan dug her own grave. "And passed. BUT: you have to stay for dinner, be here for the garage meeting at eleven, and be back before dinner tomorrow in case Mom and Dad come home early."

"S-SURE THING, LORI!" Luna squeed in joy, _Luna loud got a nookie slip from the Queen of No_! "I-I'm just gonna-"

"Go. Go before I come to my senses." Lori waved her off.

Luna did just that, practically stumbling out, almost missing the nod from Lynn but returning it just before she exited the doorway.

Lori looked to Lynn with a silent question.

The jock rested back against the wall. "What? She burned me good. You gotta respect the win."

The was a resulting and suddenly Luna reappeared with a travel bag and a happy swagger. "See ya, guys, have fun tomorrow if things don't work out for Lynn Luan! Luna Loud; OUT!"

And like that she was-

"GET BACK HERE! I SAID YOU'RE STAYING FOR DINNER!"

"Dang it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well despite myself it turned out that we were getting multiple chapters for the madness after all. I originally expected Luna's turn to only be around 2000-3000 words. Unfortunately I am a wordy fellow and the plot quickly outgrew that restriction :P  
> Thank you to everyone who reviewed and submitted ideas, some were used in the next chapter and some are planned to be used later on.  
> A special thank you to PlasticPencils for Beta reading the last half of this chapter.  
> For some reason I thought the Garage was attached to the house, this chapter has since been revised to reflect the actual positions from the show. Please let me know if there are any details that I overlooked that reflect the idea of the Garage being part of the house proper.  
> Of course if you spotted any errors or simply had a giggle, then please let me know in the review section :)  
> The rest of this note is dedicated to the original reviewers on fanfiction.net:  
> The bit about going through Lincoln's laundry was inspired by the anonymous Mr Perv who suggested siccing Lana on Lincoln's garbage. Unfortunately for Lincoln, the suggestion of getting the younger siblings to help him wouldn't work because they don't tend to side with him anyway. As the show's more… contentious episodes show when push comes to shove Lincoln tends to get the short end of the stick; especially in sibling conflicts.  
> I didn't plan on Lincoln feigning a sister complex or anything like it when I wrote this chapter, simply because right now Lincoln has no reason beyond the usual to seek revenge. That might change depending on how far Lynn and Luan go, Luan's turn in particular is planned to be a gauntlet that could crack him a bit.  
> To that one guest who asked why the f**k I would do this to Lincoln: why wouldn't I?  
> Sam was fun to write, I didn't have much for her canon self when I was plotting and even after recent episodes there's still not much for her. But I think I managed to get a feel for how she might react and I ended up liking her quite a bit.  
> Dogspirit1 and DoctorYnot: the heart was unplanned, but came through anyway. When you try to write these characters true to to themselves it is seemingly inevitable. I should note however that neither Lincoln or the girls are being written as angels here so dickery is ahead and you should necessarily root for either side; but the end should provide some catharsis for all involved.  
> I'm not going to lie though there is going to be a lot of pain and embarrassment for Lincoln before then though.

**Author's Note:**

> My first major fic in some time, the following chapters were each partially inspired by reader suggestions for the girls' schemes. The story has long since been plotted so new suggestions won't be used, but any feedback you may feel like giving is always appreciated :)


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